64
Days for Peace
Peace Training in NYC
Week One - Gathering
Thoughts and Ideas for the Week
There are many different ways to run a practice group. Ultimately, your group will develop its own set of favorite things to do, big groups, small groups, empathy sessions, practice exercises, role-plays and heart-connected discussion. All have a place in practice groups. The following is a typical format for an evening. Many groups have found it helpful to start with a general structure and then make changes based on the needs of the group from there. This way members get more learning and less "process" in the beginning and it contributes to harmony, ease and learning.
Starting - Creating a space to learn and practice NVC can be challenging. Many groups find it helpful to take 30 seconds or a minute of silence to quiet the mind and become "present" to ourselves and the others in the room. Some groups like to use candle lighting or chimes to mark the beginning of the group.
Check-in - Depending on the size of the group this can take 10 to 30 minutes. An "NVC" check-in usually consists of a statement of how you're feeling and what needs and values are in your awareness. I have seen many groups benefit by providing a timer and an agreement to take a certain amount of time for each check-in (like 2 minutes). I have also noticed that it is helpful to keep check-ins simple by letting the person talk as opposed to asking questions and being conversational. This way is more supportive of using time effectively.
Second Check-in - Some groups use this as a way to mention anything special they might want to work on that night or something they forgot to say or something that was stimulated during someone else's check-in.
Practice. For the 9 weeks we will provide discussion questions, exercises and even homework to do during the week. When doing exercises, it is important to follow directions carefully. Facilitators almost always benefit from trying a "dry run" before hand, just to be clear for everyone else.
Harvesting. Harvesting is a way to get learning from exercises and role-plays. By sharing our learning and observations with each other we can often increase the insight and learning we get. Harvesting after each exercise contributes to deeper integration and learning.
Closing. Taking the time to "close" the practice group always feels better than when groups "unravel." Many groups find it helpful to take a moment of silence to end the evening.
Suggested Preparation
- Read chapter 1 in Marshall Rosenberg's book Nonviolent Communication, a Language for Life"
- Read the "Reading and
Discussion" articles published below.
- Go to www.theexercise.org and try the
"Shifting to Compassion" Exercise. Print Feelings and Needs sheets for
future use
- Buy a notebook/journal to keep notes and sheets from the group.
- Facilitators can attend a weekly conference call with Thom Bond for Coaching and support. Call our office at 646 201 9226 for details.
-Facilitators can read NVC Companion Workbook by Lucy Leu (available through NYCNVC)
Reading and Discussion
Read the following and afterwards share what was meaningful for you.
Nonviolent Communication is . . . ?
The purpose of
Nonviolent CommunicationSM
(NVC) is to strengthen our ability to inspire compassion from others and to
respond compassionately to others and to ourselves. NVC guides us to reframe how
we express ourselves and hear others by focusing our consciousness on what we
are observing, feeling*, needing*, and requesting.
We are trained
to make careful observations free of evaluation, and to specify behaviors and
conditions that are affecting us. We learn to hear our own deeper needs and
those of others, and to identify and clearly articulate what we are wanting in a
given moment. When we focus on clarifying what is being observed, felt, and
needed, rather than on diagnosing and judging, we discover the depth of our own
compassion. Through its emphasis on deep listening—to ourselves as well
as others—NVC fosters respect, attentiveness and empathy, and engenders a
mutual desire to give from the heart. The form is simple, yet powerfully
transformative.
While it is
taught through the use of a concrete model, and is referred to as “a process
of communication” or a “language of compassion,” Nonviolent Communication
is more than a process or a language. As our cultural conditioning often leads
our attention in directions unlikely to get us what we want, NVC serves as an
ongoing reminder to focus our attention on places that have the potential to
yield what we are seeking—a flow between ourselves and others based on a
mutual giving from the heart.
Founded on
language and communication skills that enable us to remain human, even under
trying conditions, Nonviolent Communication contains nothing new: all that has
been integrated into NVC has been known for centuries. The intent is to remind
us about what we already know—about how we humans were meant to relate to one
another—and to assist us in living in a way that concretely manifests this
knowledge.
The use of NVC
does not require that the persons with whom we are communicating be literate in
NVC or even motivated to relate to us compassionately. If we stay with the
principles of NVC, with the sole intention to give and receive compassionately,
and do everything we can to let others know this is our only motive, they will
join us in the process and eventually we will be able to respond compassionately
to one another. While this may not happen quickly, it is our experience that
compassion inevitably blossoms when we stay true to the principles and process
of Nonviolent Communication.
—adapted
from
“Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Compassion”
by Marshall B. Rosenberg, Ph.D.
My
Being and My Robot
By
Thom Bond
CNVC Certified Trainer and Executive Director, NYCNVC
When
I first started studying Nonviolent Communication (NVC), I was amazed at how
simple it was. This was immediately
followed by my amazement of how difficult it was.
How could something so simple be so hard. I
learned that the answer didn’t necessarily make NVC any easier to learn.
However, it did allow me to be easier on myself.
Below is a poem that puts it into perspective for me.
|
I have a little robot That goes around with me. Sometimes she thinks what I’m thinking, Sometimes she’s thinking me. |
I have a little robot That goes around with me. Sometimes he thinks what I’m thinking, Sometimes he’s thinking me. |
It helps me to understand
myself if I think of myself in two parts. My
“Being” and my “Robot.” My
“Being” has no habitual thoughts. He is always present and compassionate. My
“Being” lives in my “Robot,” my human body and brain.
The “Robot” is more habitual in thought, language and action.
Although my “Robot” does change his habits, he does it a great deal
slower than I would like. The good
news is that he does eventually come around if I persist.
For example, when I was
first studying NVC, I wanted to think about needs more often (mine and others)
particularly in difficult situations. My “Being” knew this would bring more connection,
understanding and ultimately be more life serving for me and those around me.
Yet my “Robot”
continued to think about blame or how other people were “responsible” or
what people (myself included) “should” or “shouldn’t” do or say.
My inability to follow my own intention to be more compassionate was
disturbing and puzzling to me. My
“Robot” or “habitual self” was holding my “Being” back.
Why?
I
found some answers in a movie, “What the Bleep Do We Know?” It showed
that the more our brain’s synapses connect in a certain pattern, the more they
tend to re-connect in the exact same pattern.
It’s this very characteristic that allows us to learn and remember
things. So we can think of many
thoughts as “habits.” This is
why we don’t have to think very hard when brushing our teeth or getting off at
our subway stop, yet we are thinking… habitually.
It’s our brain doing it’s job without us, our “Robot.”
In
many cases our “Robot” makes life easier.
It allows us to multi-task and even protects us from danger.
And yet there are other cases where we can find ourselves at odds with
our “Robot.” Like when we are
trying out new thoughts or behaviors. Like
when trying to practice NVC.
Over
time, habitual patterns can grow to be much more sophisticated than tooth
brushing. They influence everything
we do and think, from choosing what to eat to thinking your boss is a pain in
the neck. Habitual thoughts
particularly affect how we relate to ourselves, family and others close to us.
Although our “Robot “ influences the rate at which our thoughts and
behaviors will shift, ultimately,
with intention and practice, our “Being” creates new habits over time. Our “Being” can be thought of as the Creative Force
determining our direction and experience. It
is our “Being" that thinks new thoughts, that can bring new awareness
to every moment. It is our “Being” that brings our “Robot” to our NVC
Practice Group. Our “Being” that drags our “Robot” to the gym, that
feeds the “Robot” healthier food.
Exercises for the Week - Communication that Connects, Communication that Doesn't
Exercise #1 JUST LIKE ME
The
Compassion Exercise
By Harry Palmer
Honesty with one’s
self leads to compassion for others.
Objective: To increase the amount of
compassion in the world.
Expected result:
Increase in understanding and a personal sense of peace.
Instructions: This exercise can be done anywhere people congregate (airports, events, beaches, etc.) It should be done on strangers, unobtrusively and from some distance. Try to do all five steps on the same person.
Step 1: With your attention on the person, repeat to yourself:
“Just like me, this person is seeking some happiness for his/her life.”
Step 2: With your attention on the person, repeat to yourself:
“Just like me, this person is trying to avoid suffering in his/her life.”
Step 3: With your attention on the person, repeat to yourself:
“Just like me, this person has known sadness, loneliness, and despair.”
Step 4: With your attention on the person, repeat to yourself:
“Just like me, this person is seeking to fill his/her needs.”
Step 5: With
your attention on the person, repeat to yourself:
“Just like me, this person is learning about life.”
Part A - Non-Empathy
KEY:
- Often
when we are trying to be empathic (even in situations where we are feeling
compassionate), we say things that may not connect with the other person as
well as others. This includes
comparing, educating, discounting, and fixing.
In this part of the exercise, we will work in groups of 2, 3 or 4. First, write down something you might say when you would want some empathy, like “ I hate my boss, she is a slave driver” or "I'm feeling upset about the finances." Have the person on your left (or your partner if you're in diads) read their quote to you. Respond with “Non-Empathy” language that disconnects us from our feelings and needs). Something like, Comparing...“oh you think your boss is bad? My boss….” or Advising... "the way I see it , there's a lesson in this for you." Or discounting, like "just relax, you'll be fine." Or intellectualizing, like "tell me exactly what happened."
Move
around the group (or switch if you're working in diads) until everyone has had a
turn to speak and respond.
KEYS:
· NVC empathy is a process of guessing another person’s feelings and needs in order help us understand one another. “Accuracy” is not necessary for empathy to take place. If the person does not connect with our guess, he or she will let us know and we can then make another guess based on this new information.
· Keep yourself out of the empathy guess, making sure to connect the person’s feelings to his or her own needs, not to you, even when their feelings seem very much about you. Example: Instead of saying: “Are you frustrated at me because you want me to understand you?” you could say: “Are you frustrated because you’re needing understanding?” Keeping yourself out of the empathy guess will help both of you to remain connected to the source of feelings and give more room to express those feelings.
In this part of the exercise we will take turns hearing and saying empathic responses.
Work
with the same quotes. Each person in the group will then, try giving an empathic
response like “so are you really frustrated because you want more freedom?”
Go around until all the group members have read their statement and received an
empathic response.
Remember for this exercise we are using the simplest form, “are you feeling
_____________________ (Feeling from sheet) because you need
______________________(need from sheet).”
If you need to, get coaching from your group leader.
Then move to the next person for their turn.
Exercise #3 – Habitual Appreciation versus NVC Appreciation
In this exercise we practice giving "NVC appreciation." This means that instead of saying something like "you're great" or "good job" we make an observation of what the person did, tell them how you felt when they did the thing you described and what need was met. Try it!
Homework
1) Keep a journal of 2 NVC appreciations every day, including an observation, feeling(s) and need(s) met.
2) Print a Feelings and Needs sheet if you haven't yet (available through www.theexercise.org).
3) Read the Feelings and Need sheets and find your 5 favorite feelings and needs or values.
For more information call (646) 201-9226 or email to 64days@nycnvc.org.