64
Days for Peace
Peace Training
Week
Three - A deeper understanding and focus on Feelings and Needs
Thoughts and Intentions for the Week
This week's work focuses on needs and developing a "needs consciousness." It also focuses on the basic NVC concept that others are not the cause of our feelings, they are the stimulus. Our needs and our thoughts play a pivotal role in generating our feelings. You could say, we are the cause of our feelings.
Optional Preparation
- Read chapter 5 in Marshall
Rosenberg's book Nonviolent Communication, a Language for Life"
- Facilitators can read NVC
Companion Workbook by Lucy Leu (available through NYCNVC)
Reading and Discussion
"People don't make us
angry, how we think makes us angry."
- MBR
This quote may be difficult to understand at first, because most us us have been taught something completely different for most of our lives. The idea that it is our thoughts that make us angry and not the person "doing it to us" is a pivotal shift into NVC consciousness. Some may argue, that it really is other people that make them angry. I will not argue with you if you want to think about it that way. Your truth is yours and not subject to my agreement or disagreement. I don't like debating "what is true." I would love to share with you however, that when I think of others words or behavior as strictly a stimulus, not the actual cause of my feelings, the world seems to be a nicer place.
If people make me
angry, then I have no choice. I am the victim of others (or my own) behavior.
If I take responsibility for my feelings and needs then I have a role (the
cause) and therefore am empowered. NVC teaches us that we can choose how
we think about the things others say or do (the stimulus). Also, if I choose to
focus on what others should or shouldn't be doing, then I'm wasting precious
time that I could be using, thinking about what my needs are and how I can get
them met (and not at the expense of anyone else). It is this shift of
attention or focus that empowers us to create the life we want and at the same
time allows us to see ourselves and others more compassionately.
Discussion Questions
1) Isn't it true that other people really are the cause of our anger by definition? If they didn't do what they did, we would not get angry?
2) How are judgments and anger an expression of feelings and needs?
3) What if I want to be angry??
Exercise #1 - The Four Ears
In any given instance, we can choose how we are going to respond to a "hard to hear" statement. We can judge others, we can judge ourselves. We can connect with our feelings and needs or we can connect with others feelings and needs. In this exercise we are going to respond in four different ways, using the image of "EARS" to help us get clear about the differences.
First we are going to write down a hard to hear" statement. Something that someone said to you that you did not like hearing. Next we break into smaller groups of 3 or 4 if possible. Now have the person to you left read it to you and respond as follows:
First - Jackal Ears Out - Blaming or judging - This is where you focus your attention on what's wrong with the other person or what they should or shouldn't be doing.
Second - Jackal Ears In - Blaming or judging - This is where you focus your attention on what's wrong with you or what you should or shouldn't be doing.
Third - Giraffe Ears In - Feelings and Needs - This is where you focus on how you're feeling and what you might possibly be needing and requesting.
Fourth - Giraffe Ears Out
- Feelings and Needs - This is where you focus on how the other person might be
feeling and what they might possibly be needing and requesting.
Get help from the other members of you group and get suggestions and shared
understanding about what each set of "ears" sounds like.
Harvest: Share experiences with an emphasis on the choosing of how we think and the difference in the sense of compassion and empowerment.
Exercise #2 -
Translating into Feelings and Needs
This exercise can be done in the large group.
Have group members read quotes from their "Jackalog" they kept
throughout the week and "translate" the Jackal statements into
Feelings and Needs. This is an excellent opportunity for Facilitators and
others to model "NVC Empathy"
Exercise #3 -
Translating into Feelings and Needs
Part II
This exercise can be done in diads or triads.
Have your partner or the person on your left read a quote from below. See
if you can respond to or "translate" the statement into
Feelings and Needs. Use you "Feelings and Needs Sheets" for
help. See how it lands. Move on to the next person and quote.
After everyone has gone each person can write down a "hard to hear"
quote from their own lives and repeat.
1. You’re the most self-centered person I know!!
Are you feeling?
Because you need?
2.
You're such a nit picker!!!
Are you feeling?
Because you need?
3.
People who eat meat should be punished!.
Are
you feeling?
Because
you need?
4.
Use a statement you have heard recently.
Are
you feeling?
Because you need?
Harvest
by sharing experiences from the group and re-enforce concepts of cause and
stimulus and needs relating to judgment if possible.
Homework
1) Write down 2 or 3 interactions that happened during the week where you were judging someone (including yourself). Write down what you were feeling and needing when you were holding the judgment. Write down what you imagine the other person was feeling and needing.
2) Write an NVC appreciation every morning and share it with someone by phone or email.
For more information call (646) 201-9226 or email to 64days@nycnvc.org.