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64 Days for Peace

Peace Training

Week Four - Feelings, Needs, Requests 

Thoughts and Intentions for the Week

Empathy/Self-Empathy
This week's work focuses on using our "needs consciousness" with others.  We will be learning the basics of how we can connect with our needs and other people's needs through sustained empathy.  

Connection Requests/Action Requests
We are also going to start thinking about what we might request of the ourselves or others to have our needs understood and considered.  When we can connect with others by becoming aware of their needs and we connect with ourselves and our needs, we can share strategies that are based in this awareness.  NVC teaches us to do this with requests.

Optional Preparation

- Read chapter 6 in Marshall Rosenberg's book Nonviolent Communication, a Language for Life"

- Facilitators can read NVC Companion Workbook by Lucy Leu (available through NYCNVC)

Reading and Discussion

Read "Keys" before each exercise and answer any questions that may come up.

Discussion 

1) What is the difference between empathy and sympathy?

2) Why don't we just ask the person what they're feeling and needing?

3) What if someone doesn't want empathy?

4) When I'm stimulated, I can't even think about giving the other person empathy.

Exercise #1 - Empathy Circle

KEYS:

a.       NVC empathy is a process of guessing another person’s feelings.  “Accuracy” is not necessary for empathy to take place. If the person does not connect with our guess, he or she will let us know and we can then make another guess based on this new information.

b.       Keep yourself out of the empathy guess, making sure to connect the person’s feelings to his or her own needs, not to you, even when their feelings seem very much about you. Example: Instead of saying: “Are you frustrated at me because you want me to understand you?” you could say: “Are you frustrated because you’re needing understanding?” Keeping yourself out of the empathy guess will help both of you to remain clear about the source of feelings and give you more room to hear those feelings without either “defending” yourself or “attacking” the other person.

This exercise is designed for Diads.  In this exercise have your partner tell you about an interaction or situation that is alive for them.  Something incomplete or stimulating.  NOTE: It is very important to become good at identifying and remembering these situations.  Respond "empathically by guessing a feeling and a need. Do this for 10 minutes.  Facilitators should role-model for the group and check in to diads for quality of connection and coaching if possible.  After 10-20 minutes switch and repeat.

EXAMPLE:

1.  “My girlfriend doesn’t care about how I feel.”

Are you feeling: Sad?

Because you’re needing: Connection?

2.  "She just talks right over me."

Are you feeling: Frustrated?

Because you value:  Care and consideration?

3.   " I guess I would like to think she cares, but it's so hard when she treats me like this.." 

Are you feeling: Puzzled or scared?

Because you’re needing: some clarity?

4.  Puzzled. “I know she loves me I just wish I was a bigger part of the picture.”

Are you feeling: Disheartened?

Because you really want more Trust and Care in your life?

At the end of the exercise, in the large group, write down the needs you have identified and read them slowly to yourself, close your eyes,  and feel what it would be like to have them met.   

Harvest: Share experiences with an emphasis on body sensation and focus (i.e. our "natural habit of thinking about something other than your partner's feelings and needs).  You might also want to talk about "Colloquial" versus "Classical" Giraffe.

Exercise #2 - Connection Requests

KEY: 

• Using “connection requests” fosters a level of connection that will more likely keep the conversation in a compassionate, clear dialog.

• This is the ultimate way to slow down and may seem impractical or stilted.  However, it is an excellent way to get through a conversation that might not be possible otherwise.
  
• When speaking to someone that may not understand NVC, it is important to reinforce and reiterate that this is a way to get the connection you want, not a way to “test” them.
  

In this exercise, we will use a “Connection Request.”  Connection Requests can foster a deeper sense of connection and understanding so that "Action Requests" become either obsolete or easier to identify. This exercise works well in Diads.  It's a good role-play if your partner plays the other person. 

First, make an OFN about a situation that you have with another person where there is some pain or charge. 

Second, request (R) a reflection and state the need, like “this is really important to me and I want to be sure we understand one another...”

Third, listen to the response, staying aware what it feels like to hear the response.  If it is a request for a reflection and the reflection doesn't match your experience, see if you can get more clarity by restating or share what is alive in you.

Fourth, check with your partner to see what they were experiencing.  

Fifth, switch and repeat.

Sample Connection Requests

1.  Would you tell me what you just heard me say?

2.  Having heard what I just said, can you tell me what’s going on for you?

3.  Would you tell me your understanding of my feelings and needs?

4.  Would you be willing to listen to what’s going on for me?

5.     Would you tell me how you’re feeling about what I just said?

6.     Would you tell me what comes up for you about what I just said?

7.  Would you be willing to spend some time talking about this?

After the exercise regroup and harvest.

Exercise #3 - Request or Demand

KEYS:

a.      An NVC request is doable.

b.     An NVC request is specific.

c.      An NVC request is in the present moment not a unchangeable commitment to the future.

d.      An NVC request usually includes a need (understood or expressed).

e.      An NVC request is a question we are willing to hear “no” to. Otherwise it is really a demand. In this exercise we will practice identifying NVC requests.

This exercise can be done in diads or small groups.  The following questions may or may not be NVC requests. Write down your understanding of the question (request, demand, not doable, not present, etc.)   

1.     Would you be willing to keep your room clean in the future?

2.     Would you be more understanding of my needs?

3.     I’m just too tired to cook tonight, what do you think of ordering dinner in?

4.     Would you be up for talking about this later?

5.    This is really important to me and I have to see a client in 5 minutes.  Could we set up a time right now to discuss this in more detail?

Harvest.

Homework

1) Needs Assessment - Print a Needs Sheet from theexercise.org and write a number between 1 and 10 next to each need to express how well that need is met in your life. 1 would be not met hardly at all and 10 would mean it was completely met.

2) Write down 6 requests you could make to get your 2 most alive needs (lowest numbers on Needs Assessment)) seen or considered.

 For more information call (646) 201-9226 or email to 64days@nycnvc.org.