NYCNVC.org
Discovering Self-Empathy
Self-Empathy? It's an inside job.
I started NVC in 2002 with the idea of
getting support...from you;
getting respect....from you;
getting appreciation...from you;
getting understanding....from you;
getting cooperation....from you;
getting security....from you....
aghhhh....
I said, over and over...aghhhh!
I wondered why NVC wasn't working too well for me. Maybe I wasn't getting
the right kind of empathy....
from you!!!
No one was doing what I wanted them to do... isn't that what NVC was for...
getting you to do what I want you to do?......getting my kids to do the dishes?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I knew about self-empathy....
and it went something like this:
I'm feeling so frustrated now, oh and lots of resentment (one of my favorite
feelings) because I really need some mutuality here.
R - E - S - P - E - C - T
give it to me, give it to me, give it to me!!!
I was jackal-stuck and giraffe-stuck ....
....so one night, I was crying and feeling sorry for myself (sad and resentful); I
pulled out my Needs Sheet and I noticed some other needs I hadn't noticed
before: awareness, joy and presence.
Awareness. What is that? How come I never said, "I'm just
feeling so livid and frustrated because I really need awareness." or,
I want you to give me some presence, right now.
Hmmmm?
I remember that moment, so totally clearly, the air, the time of the night, the
room, the lighting, the temperature.....I started to open up to what was going
on in me from that time.... somehow, just the contemplation of
"awareness" and "presence" let me take a deep breath and
slow down a bit. Just noticing my teeth clenching, my fist and shoulder
tightness, single focus, laser-beam eyes rather than a wider more relaxed view....
So, that was the first step in really getting into the inner state of Nellie's
being...and then waiting to see what else comes up...
and yes, of course, using the NVC OFNR process, it's a great tool...
..but/and giving myself permission ....and being willing to slow down and take
as long as it takes... to realize that my "demand" energy was making
it very difficult for those around me as well as myself. I was having
"autonomy fits" inside myself and no wonder others around me in overt
and subtle ways both, were also having "autonomy fits."
I decided that with this new relationship with the need of *awareness* I could
start the inside job... I could stop "doing" NVC and begin even a little
step at a time... I could begin "being" NVC.
So, that to me is my self-empathy process.
Breathing.
Slowing down.
Awareness.
Presence.
Breathing.
A willingness to take as long as it takes....maybe 6 years?
Requesting of myself to give myself self-empathy.
Giving myself permission to make "mistakes"
Openness to what is really happening inside me.
Connecting to my somatic/body sensations and feelings as well as my emotional
feelings.
Connecting to my needs, and sitting with them, holding them in presence without
going to strategies.
Holding any *unmet* needs in a little imaginary Unmet Needs Pocket inside my
belly so that they know they are not forgotten, and that they are being worked
on little by little until a strategy appears. Some say, until a miracle
appears.
Oh, and what about "Joy"??? Joy is a flowing and gentle need,
once she saw that Awareness and Presence were there, she just kinda came along
for the ride.
Self-empathy starts as an inside job that eventually spills and bubbles over to
others, she just can't help herself.
Smile.
Nellie currently facilitates practice groups in Brooklyn and is a facilitator for NYCNVC Intensives. She holds a high value for choice, presence and joy and is a perpetual student of Life. CLICK HERE for more about Nellie
More Links: Upcoming Self-Empathy Intensive Self-Empathy and Relationships Menla NYCNVC