This is the answer I agree with the most. It matches
my understanding of an NVC request if the requester has connected with
their needs and values (e.g. for health and order) and also was open to connect with
the needs or values that were alive for the other person that was doing something other than the dishes.
It DOES NOT match my understanding of an NVC Request if the requester was simply
trying to get the person to do the dishes (regardless of what the other person
was needing or wanting).
Were they willing to hear a no? Was (s)he willing to connect and
then with an understanding of everyone's needs, move to an action? If so,
then it would match my understanding of an NVC Request.
In this case, I would be less likely to believe this
request came from an awareness of needs. Even if the words follow or match
up to the NVC Model (Observation, Feelings, Needs, Requests). What is
missing for me is a sense of this mutual value for peoples needs. How
could this request consider what is going on for the other person short of the
requester being psychic? It sounds more to me like the objective is
getting the other person to do the dishes, as opposed to finding out the
underlying needs in the situation.
This happened with me and my son and it went like this:
Inner work:
Oh Boy, do, I feel agitated when I see the pile of dirty dishes.
My first reaction is to yell. Since I've been doing that for 16 years with
no results, perhaps I'll try something new.
Self-Empathy
I'd love to trust that when Collin says he'll do dishes after eating that he'll follow through. I'm also tired and
really would love to come home and have a sense of order and cleanliness.... I take this in for a minute or
two, breathing, remembering my value for harmony and keeping my connection with
Collin.
But yet there he sits (on the couch playing a video
game). I'm starting to feel agitated again. I remind myself that
everything we do (even my son on the couch), we do to meet needs. And
although I'm a bit miffed, I'm imagining a connection to what's going on in
Collin will ultimately be more productive and enjoyable for both of us (more
than yelling or threatening).
Honest Expression and Empathy
I say to Collin, " would love to relax right now,
and when I see the dishes haven't been washed, I'm noticing I'm getting
upset. I would love to have more order and cleanliness, especially after a
long day at work. At the same
time I wanna know what's going on for you. I'm thinking it
would help if you told me what the deal is with you and the dishes.
Connection:
Collin: Well Dad, the truth is I'm exhausted. I get up at 5:30 for
school, I have tons of homework, I have hockey practice, my job 8 hours a
week... I'm just trying to catch a break.
Me Inside: I understand. I can relate
to being exhausted. He really sounds whipped, I see he really could use a
break.
Me Outside: "So I think I get it,
Collin. You're simply at the end of your energy supply and you need a
break. Is that true?
Collin: "YES! That is
it. I'm glad you get me, Dad." (I did "get him." I
can relate to being tired, wiped out, exhausted even, can't you?) Collin is
perking up a bit and we're having friendly eye contact for the first time).
Me Again: "Yeah, I get it
kiddo." (We relax a bit. We breathe.) "So what are
we doing about these dishes?"
What happened after that was a beautiful few moments I
will never forget. For those moments, we were able to hold our needs
together. No one was making anyone wrong. We just sat confused and connected.
If you're dying to know how it turns out, I'll say this.
We were able to think of at least one strategy that worked. And we
did. And with a few exceptions we were able to resolve the dish problem
once and for all. And perhaps more importantly, we got through
the exceptions with more understanding and less "wrong-making," a
pleasant shift for sure.
In my experience, it is the intention to be aware of the
aliveness (feelings and needs) in myself and the other person that makes a
request an "NVC Request." And for me, by using requests I can hold and
act on my needs in a way that holds and values the needs of others.
Sweet.
I hope this page has contributed
to you in some way. If you are interested in learning more about NVC
Requests or another topic, feel free to contact NYCNVC at 646 201 9226 or at
With Love,
Thom
