I would agree, I think it's an
NVC request if
the requester has connected with their needs and values (e.g. for health
and order) and also was open to connect with the needs or values that
were alive for the other person that was doing something other than the
dishes. In other words, was the requester attached to the dishes getting done or
were they willing to hear a no? Was (s)he willing to connect and then with
an understanding of everyone's needs, move to an action? If so, then it
would match my understanding of an NVC Request.
In this case, I would be less
likely to believe this request came from an awareness of needs. Even if
the words follow or match up to the NVC Model (Observation, Feelings, Needs,
Requests). What is missing for me is a sense of this mutual value for
peoples needs. How could this request consider what is going on for the
other person without the requester checking? It sounds more to me like the
objective is getting the other person to do the dishes as opposed to finding out
the underlying needs in the situation.
This happened with me and my son and it went like this:
Inner work:
Oh Boy, do, I feel agitated
when I see the pile of dirty dishes. My first reaction is to yell. Since
I've been doing that for 16 years with no results, perhaps I'll try something
new.
Self-Empathy
I'd love to trust that when
Collin says he'll do dishes after eating that he'll follow through. I'm also
tired and really would love to come home and have a sense of order and
cleanliness.... I take this in for a minute or two, breathing, remembering my
value for harmony and keeping my connection with Collin.
But yet there he sits (on the
couch playing a video game). I'm starting to feel agitated again. I
remind myself that everything we do (even my son on the couch), we do to meet
needs. And although I'm a bit miffed, I'm imagining a connection to what's
going on in Collin will ultimately be more productive and enjoyable for both of
us (more than yelling or threatening).
Honest Expression and Empathy
I say to Collin, " would love
to relax right now, and when I see the dishes haven't been washed, I'm noticing
I'm getting upset. I would love to have more order and cleanliness,
especially after a long day at work. At the same time I wanna know what's
going on for you. I'm thinking it would help if you told me what the
deal is with you and the dishes.
Connection:
Collin: Well Dad, the truth is I'm exhausted. I get up at 5:30 for
school, I have tons of homework, I have hockey practice, my job 8 hours a
week... I'm just trying to catch a break.
Me Inside: I
understand. I can relate to being exhausted. He really sounds
whipped, I see he really could use a break.
Me Outside: "So I think
I get it, Collin. You're simply at the end of your energy supply and you
need a break. Is that true?
Collin: "YES!
That is it. I'm glad you get me, Dad." (I did "get him." I
can relate to being tired, wiped out, exhausted even, can't you?) Collin is
perking up a bit and we're having friendly eye contact for the first time).
Me Again: "Yeah, I get
it kiddo." (We relax a bit. We breathe.) "So what are we doing
about these dishes?"
What happened after that was a
beautiful few moments I will never forget. For those moments, we were able
to hold our needs together. No one was making anyone wrong. We just
sat confused and connected.
If you're dying to know how it
turns out, I'll say this. We were able to think of at least one strategy that
worked. And we did. And with a few exceptions we were able to
resolve the dish problem once and for all. And perhaps more importantly, we
got through the exceptions with more understanding and less "wrong-making," a
pleasant shift for sure.
In my experience, it is the
intention to be aware of the aliveness (feelings and needs) in myself and the
other person that makes a request an "NVC Request." And for me, by using
requests I can hold and act on my needs in a way that holds and values the needs
of others. Sweet.
I hope this page has
contributed to you in some way. If you are interested in learning more
about NVC Requests or other NVC topics, feel free to contact NYCNVC at 646 201
9226 or at
With Love,
Thom
